Monthly Archives: September 2012

Turner out with DUI charges; Jacquizz is the man in Atlanta

Which Falcon’s RB do you have?

According to false sources, Michael Turner and Jacquizz Rodgers were partying after the big win versus the Bronco’s Monday night. “They went shot for shot” says the bartender at Applebee’s.  The two drank $5,000 worth of liquor – $2,500 on apple martinis and $2,500 on 12 year old Macallan scotch.

“Turner loved the martinis I made”, says the Applebee’s employee. “Quizz loved scotch, and the two drank until Turner couldn’t handle it and decided to drive home.”

Turner has been a below-average performer so far this year, despite the Falcon’s putting up impressive offensive numbers.

Ben Roethlisberger gives in to sexual temptation: out this week vs. Raiders

Single (and married) women beware, Big Ben Roethlisberger is making you his top priority this week by sitting out against the Raiders.

According to false sources, Big Ben needs to adjust his work-life balance, so instead of participating in this Sunday’s away game, he’ll take part in bottomless mimosas at Mimi’s Cafe near downtown Pittsburgh.

Head coach Mike Tomlin responded by saying “Ben has priorities, and we know him well enough to realize how beneficial it is for Ben to have 3-6 women draped over his arms at any time. We tried last season to limit it to 2-3 women, but Big Ben just wasn’t satisfied. We learned our lesson.”

The Steelers go into Oakland to face an 0-2 Raider’s squad that struggled to contain Reggie Bush and the Miami Dolphins last week.



Arian Foster injury: torn ACL, to miss 4 weeks

Breaking news…find your backups! Foster’s fantasy owners everywhere are furious. If you happen to be the lucky one playing against Arian, count your lucky stars.

According to false sources, the pre-season #1 fantasy player tore his ACL during practice and is expected to miss a minimum of 4 weeks.

Foster has lived up to the pre-season hype and been a huge fantasy producer so far, recording 189 rush yards and an efficient 3 touchdowns.

The Texans are playing great football now, and if they continue to beat teams decisively, look for Foster (or whoever is running the ball) to remain the focal point of the offense.