Monthly Archives: July 2014

Ray Rice hits wife instead of blunt to avoid season long suspension

In order to stay active for 14 out of 16 games, Ray Rice decided to hit his wife instead of hitting the blunt. This behavior was reinforced by the league after enforcing a 2 game suspension on Rice, whereas fellow NFL star Josh Gordon will likely be out for all 16 games due to hitting a blunt instead of a woman.

Tom knows what nobody knows

We don’t know what Tom knows, but it’s noteworthy that he does know. Nowhere in sports is there a nobler know-it-all. His no-nonsense knowledge knows no limit, even nomads never know what Tom knows. Nobody. No. Tom…no.

Johnny Football still trying to silence crowd with ‘quiet fingers’

Ever since leaving Texas A&M University, Johnny Manziel has been trying to silence his critics with what appears to be a technique called ‘quiet fingers.’ Any time the stadium erupts with cheering, jeering or the occasional Texas cow-steering, Johnny immediately looks up at them and swlowly whispers: ‘shhhhhhhhhhhh’.

As one of the most popular pre-players to ever pre-play in the NFL, Johnny Football has pre-paraded and pre-partied in some of Cleveland’s finest public arenas, making him the most pre-proven rookie QB ever. Good boy, Johnny.