Monthly Archives: August 2014

Coughlin arms wrestles The Rock during gritty pre-pre-season game speech

In an effort to motivate the New York Giants, Head Coach and backup bad-guy-from-Speed Tom Coughlin challenged Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson to an arm wrestling match. Giants quarterback Eli Manning describes the scene: “I was actually sneaking into Coach Tommy’s  mini-freezer for some ott…ice packs, and all the sudden Coach ripped his shirt off and started throwing chairs.”

NFL (No Family Life) is about to begin!

Time to start going to the Church of Sean Payton’s Saints, the Santana Moss Mosque, the Book of Lance Moore-mon, or the Johnny ‘Free Matzoh’ Manziel Synagogue. The season is about to begin and expectations are high – beantuckytoontown high.

JJ Watt selects Bengals D with first pick in fantasy draft

In the half-fantasy-league, half-charitable-foundation called “JJ’s Handjobs for Hobos”, JJ Watt selected the Cincinnati Bengals defense with the #1 overall pick. “I’m a big Andy Dalton fan”, said Watt, the all too frequent sitcom actor and part-time defensive lineman.

How does an elite NFL QB relax? We ask Tom Brady.

It might come as a surprise to many of you to learn that Tom Brady is actually a very insecure guy. He’s had to fight for every opportunity to become the elite QB man he is today (think Michigan, first few seasons with the Pats, and Giselle after the first time they engaged in intercourse (he didn’t rub that easy one out before, rookie mistake)).

How do you possibly relieve the stress that a man like this lives everyday? Easy. Two words.

Jon Gruden financial issues: sells rights to create Wax Museum of Jon Gruden

Reporters asked Jon Gruden about the recent sale, but Gruden was sleeping. One false reporter did catch a few mumblings he uttered, apparently whilst in the middle of a nightmare (or more likely for Gruden, a wet dream): “spider…Y….banana….flank steak…Kentucky….option roll-out…football man…beantuckytoontine…football…man”

Mark Sanchez 2015 Goal: More Twitter followers than Interceptions

Professional backup and USC legend Mark Sanchez has announced his new goal for the upcoming season with the Philadephia Eagles. In a false statement released to the media last week, The Sanchize laid out the targeted metrics that will determine the success of his 6th year in the NFL: “If I can end this year with more Twitter followers than interceptions, pop that f*ckin champagne, baby!’

The Eagles are fully supportive of Mark’s efforts. “We’re really proud with how hard Mark tries. He may not be talented, or intelligent, or a good leader, but he tries really, really hard. Plus he’s kinda handsome.’