Monthly Archives: November 2014

Top 5 Sexiest NFL Kickers

 

In the wake of People’sexiest man of the year award, we decided to ask our panel of experts to create a list of the Top 5 Sexiest NFL Kickers. This list was not easy to create (except for the #1 sexiest kicker, which was fairly obvious), and included heated debate comparable to Roe v Wade or the College Football playoff rankings. Alas, your list of the NFL’s sexiest kickers:

 

hauschka

#5: Steven “Bringin’ Down The” Hauschka

Seattle Seahawks

Nothing says sexy quite like 6 feet 4 inches of consistent place-kicking. Steven Theodore Hauschka ranks second all time for career field goal percentage at 86.67%, and similarly ranks 5th on our list of the sexiest NFL kickers alive.

 

 

sexy dan carpenter

#4: Dan “Camaro Cut” Carpenter

Buffalo Bills

Crack open a Coors, blast Kid Rock’s ‘Bawitdaba’, and watch Daniel Roy Carpenter nail 84.3% of his field goals. Dan has been approached for a lead role in next season’s Sons of Anarchy, where he’ll play a painfully accurate placekicker who’s never missed a playoff field goal.

 

 

sexy randy bullock

#3: Randy “Bit Your Sister” Bullock

Houston Texans

Ladies, take cover…Randy is in town, boasting an impressive 77.41% field goal accuracy. 5 feet 9 inches and a paunchy 209 pounds of Gusher-filled precision, Houston is lucky to have this specimen of a creature, and can start molding his magnificent body for the stadium-front statue now.

 

 

sexy sebastian janikowski

#2: Sebastian “Sandwich at Halftime” Janikowski

Oakland Raiders

This man, nay…Polish Sausage, boasts a number of impressive records. Not only has he kicked a record-setting 57 yard overtime field goal, but also managed to snort 6 feet of powdered Gutter Glitter immediately after sucking down a blunt of home-grown Acapulco Gold in between the the end of regulation and overtime against the Jets. Needless to say, he also drank a vat of Belvedere mixed with blue Gatorade at halftime.

 

 

sexy billy cundiff

#1: Billy “Count Your Blessings” Cundiff

Cleveland Browns

Take it from potential murderer Ray Lewis, also a former teammate of Big Bill and one of the fiercest football players of all time: “Slick Willy’s the baddest mother f*cker in this locker room, ain’t a shadow of a doubt.” This sexy piece of man meat was not only a star quarterback at his Iowa high school, but also played point guard for the basketball team and was a state-qualifier in the high jump at 1.98 meters. Ladies, if picturing Billy “The Countdown” Cundiff in track shorts isn’t enough to wet your panties, just know that he also completed his MBA from Arizona State in 2009, and in 2012 was awarded the prestigious ‘Double D’ award from Drake University.

 

 

 

“The punishment was way too harsh”, says Peterson

 

CORRECTION: This report was actually from Adrian’s son.

 

 

Bradshaw out; Trent Richardson looking to lose more fumbles and lower YPC

With Bradshaw on IR, Trent Richardson now has the opportunity to lose more fumbles and lower his YPC with a Colts team that has serious playoff hopes. “I’m a little worried Ben Tate will contact our team and try to take my position” said Trent, the nearly retired 23 year old brick shithouse. Tate is a great option for the Colts, and would provide ample competition with Richardson as they both try and lose fumbles while gaining less than 4 yards per carry.

Jerry Jones completes zipline from owner’s box to Tony Romo’s locker

Jerry Jones and Tony Romo

“Everything is bigger…and longer in Texas,” said Dallas Cowboys Owner, President, GM, Team Physician and Rodeo Clown Jerry Jones. In an effort to divert funds away from the the eventual settlement his current wife will take in their future divorce, Jerry built himself 24×7 access to Tony Romo. “It’s been a life long dream to watch Tony and see him grow as a player…but mainly to watch him, that’s been the most fun.”

Kaepernick struggles tremendously in loss to Rams…but has amazing abs

He hate haters, and thus potentially hates himself. This is despite having 24 pack washboard abs. Colin Kaepernick of the San Francisco 49ers struggled mightily  in a 13-10 loss to the St. Louis Rams. Yes, the same Rams who hired a shower janitor and corporate tax accountant as quarterback and running back, in what Jeff Fischer calls the greatest trick play of all time.

Epic battle between Shane Vereen and Ronnie Hillman leaves Pats with last laugh over Broncos

It was the matchup everyone was looking forward to. Ronnie Hillman led the 6-1 Bronco’s into Gillette Stadium to face off with Shane Vereen and the 6-2 Patriots. But in the end it was Vereen getting the last laugh, racking up 29 yards on 11 rush attempts, as well as 5 receptions for 38 yards and a touchdown. Hillman scored 2 touchdowns himself, with a total of 16 yards rushing and 47 yards receiving. Hopefully this won’t be the last epic battle between these two stars.