Monthly Archives: January 2015

Win or lose, Marshawn Lynch pumped to give podium speech after Super Bowl

This weekend’s Super Bowl is expected to be a good one, especially if you enjoy charismatic and intellectual thought leaders like Marshawn Lynch or President Obama. Lynch is prepared, win or lose, to deliver the post-game podium speech after the game, and we can only expect it to be as if JK Rowling had a baby with Hemingway and then that baby rapped Shakespearean prose over a Jay Z beat.

Beast Mode3

Lynch has carefully crafted his persona in the NFL, declining interviews and accumulating more than $130,000 in media-related fines. Tack on the crotch grabbing salute, and we’re looking at one of the most colorful personalities in sports – and that’s even before recognizing the Skittles infatuation.

Expect a monster game from Beast Mode, who told us in a rare interview his strategy for the game: “I’m gonna run at Tom. I really don’t think he can tackle me 1 on 1.”

Tom Brady double dares Richard Sherman to touch his balls

They’re moist, they’re clean, and most importantly, they’re fully inflated. Tom Brady recently spoke of his balls at the latest Super Bowl press conference. He also issued a massive challenge – a double dare – to Seahawks defensive spokesman Richard Sherman. ‘C’mon Dick, grab em, squeeze em, fondle them with your Stanford diploma. My balls are primed and ready for you.’ Sherman declined to comment, citing that Tom’s balls are so suffocating he has been unable to trash talk for days.

 

 

Broncos lose; fans start ‘Bring Tebow Back’ chant at Mile High

It would only be a matter of time until John Elway wised up and chose Tim Tebow over Peyton Manning. “That time has come” Elway announced amidst the Mile High clouds.

Andrew Luck scores endorsement for 7-11’s newest product: the “SHALIVA SHLURPEE”

Call him the Convenience Man; Andy Luck has just officially endorsed the latest slurpee offered at 7-11 stores: the SHALIVA SHLURPEE. And good news for all you dishcount sheekers – shimply shalivate when you shay SHALIVA SHLURPEE, and you’ll get the shecond one at a shignificant dishcount.

Playoff pregame: Brady confronts Flacco for ‘fake poop in the pillow’ prank

 

The two quarterbacks share 4 Super Bowl rings, 1 ‘mustache de rape’, 1 supermodel wife, and now to add to the list…a bit of previously harbored and currently unleashed angst due to the placing of a fake turd on Tom’s pillow. “I’m f*ckin pissed, and I KNOW it was Joey.” screamed Tom at a news conference Monday afternoon. The two will face off next weekend with a ticket to the conference championships on the line.