Monthly Archives: March 2015

Falcons fined for piping crowd noise into Georgia Dome

“Can you hear me now?” smirked NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell as he addressed Atlanta Falcon owner Arthur Blake. The NFL will be imposing a fine of $350k and taking a 5th round draft pick for a scandal that Blake termed “embarassing.”

For the last 2 seasons, the Falcons have been seeking the competitive edge by piping in crowd noise while the opposing teams held offensive huddles. This is meant to disturb the communications and fluency of the opposing team’s offense, but sadly the Falcons suck at defensive cheating too.

Willis, Borland, and now even Brett Favre claiming retirement

“It’s about time I hit the ole dusty trail” said Brett Favre, thumb in his jeans pocket, shirtless, 5 o’clock shadow in perfect condition. Favre joins the list of early retirees, including Titan quarterback Jake Locker and 49ers linebackers Patrick Willis and Chris Borland. All 3 agreed that potential brain damage and general injuries were too much of a concern.  Favre seemed to be the only one contemplating doubling back on his decision, but he also spent half the media session humming Kelly Clarkson songs and jamming on his imaginary guitar.

McFadden excited to eventually experience Dallas healthcare facilities

Jerry Jones and the Cowboys were happy to bring in Darren McFadden for just $200k guaranteed, but McFadden was excited for different reasons.  Dallas is host to an impressive array of healthcare facilities, and if the past is any indication, Darren will likely find himself crutching or wheelchairing around one of them before the season is done. His only hope for staying healthy (like he did last year in, of all places, Oakland) is if Jerry Jones can slap some sense into Adrian Peterson and make him leave Minnesota to then switch over to the disciplined Cowboys program.

Top Trades of the 2015 Offseason

There was no shortage of blockbuster trades this offseason. In what’s usually known as ‘is baseball really starting again?’ season, the NFL took the media headlines after a series of trades, drops and acquisitions. Below is a snapshot of what’s happened so far and why.

  1. Jimmy Graham to the Seahawks: Coach Pete Carroll announced ‘we need someone to counter-balance what Marshawn brings…we need a wimpy, whiny, red-headed red zone target that we can count on when we’re down 4 in the 4th quarter. It’s not rocket science, we want Jimmy.”
  2. Brandon Marshall to the Jets: If you combine this move with the Jet’s desire to deal for Johnny Manziel, there’s a good chance for success here.
  3. Bradford to be traded for Foles: Both coaches agree that the number 1 priority for acquiring a new sub-par quarterback is to consider their likeness to Napoleon Dynamite. A win-win for everyone here. Furthermore, Chip Kelly told our reporters that he’s also planning on burning his vinyl collection, divorcing his wife and drop-kicking his Shar-Pei before the season starts.
  4. Torrey Smith to the 49ers: Colin Kaepernick and team have been determined to squander another premier athlete’s talents in Silicon Valley. Welcome to the bay, Torrey.
  5. Colts acquire Frank Gore: The Indianapolis Colts will now rely on the sure-handed and hard-working Frank Gore instead of Trent Richardson. According to sources, Trent will be picked up by Indianapolis’ incumbent kickball municipal champions, Brews on First, in exchange for 6 pitchers of pregame PBR and an order of salted pretzels.
  6. Chiefs release Dwayne Bowe: This is a real shocker. $10.75 million is well worth the sticker price on this production machine. They’ll surely regret this next year.
  7. Bears fail to trade Jay Cutler for retired Dan Marino: Approached on the topic of this Bear’s loyalty, Jay dug into his jean pocket, struck a match across his pant leg and proceeded to smoke a cigarette for 8 minutes in front of the cameras, not saying a word. He ashed into Matt Forte’s cleats and then casually sauntered out of the locker room.

JJ Watt recovers from “mediocre” season in “minimalistic” new cabin

He needs to be blocked by 3 offensive linemen, and he also needs 3 kitchens to support his “minimalistic” lifestyle whilst living in his “minimalistic” 4,500 square foot house.  “I can’t be contained” said JJ, who was about to enter his cabin’s elevator to train for the next season of The League airing on FX.

JJ Watt House4

Garage, with space only for his “minimalistic” cars, trucks, tractors and man caves

 

JJ Watt House3

The kitchen, with brand new “minimalistic” appliances

 

JJ Watt House2

Cute breakfast nook area, with only 2 TV’s in order to maintain the “minimalistic” feel

 

Expect JJ to return next season no MVP award, more than half of his $100 million dollar contract remaining, and 300 pages of memoir comparable to the likes of Walden or Leaves of Grass.

 

 

Patriots drop Wilfork and Comcast Cable “cuz they didn’t cost this much in 2005”

Robert Kraft and the Pats made some bold decisions in recent weeks, not the least of which is the decision to drop a man who is not only Tom Brady’s personal person pillow, but their foundation on the defensive line and a locker room favorite: Vince Wilfork. This comes as a surprise to many on the Patriots and around the league, so we asked Robby K and Billy Bel for an explanation: “goddam prices keep going up, just like Comcast. We’re droppin em both.”