Monthly Archives: April 2015

Kelly: Tebow’s strength is converting non-christians and 2 point conversions

Tim Tebow

The Philadelphia Eagles have offered up something of an explanation for the Tebow acquisition, and it falls solely on the underwear model’s ability to convert. Not just Jews and Muslims and Buddhists, but the almighty 2 point conversion that is poised to become a mandatory feature of the future NFL strategy.

There is also speculation that Hanes, the underwear company who has been trying to get Tebow to strip down to his spiritual spandex for years now, has had a hand in Goodell’s pocket recently. By lobbying for the enforcement of a mandatory two point conversion, it’s likely that Tebow’s career will rise from the proverbial dead and establish the “Tebow Two Point Conversion.” Additionally, fans across the nation will stay tuned into the games after touchdowns rather than flipping the channel and missing out on classic Hanes advertisements. It’s a win win for everybody.

California funds new stadium, probably with water emergency funds

Nobody really knows the details of this project, but apparently what’s happened is the City Council of Carson City approved a $1.7 billion proposal to build a stadium for 2 terrible football teams – the Chargers and the Raiders. Nothing meshes better than the hard-edged Raider faithful and the suntanned yuppies of San Diego. Carson City has no idea what it’s getting into.

Additionally, there has been no method of sourcing these funds, adding this to the list of lofty projects that California feels it has the right to initiate. Our best guess is that they’ll drain a water reservoir to erect a 6 story parking structure, and then hire the lowest bidder to construct an earthquake-resistant eye sore that will end up sinking California’s future grandchildren in state debt.

We’ll believe this is happening once we witness Philip Rivers throwing a 4th interception or Derek Carr getting sacked by the Bucs defensive line.

Eagles sign Tebow as backup backup backup Team Pastor

In a clear act of God, Chip Kelly and the Philadelphia Eagles have signed Tim Tebow, who is behind Bradford, Sanchez and Barkley on the depth chart. Few had confidence in the second coming’s ability to perform, but Chip Kelly has other plans.

The former college star and mentor to current Bronco quarterback Peyton Manning was dropped after a short yet prolific stint in the NFL, at which point he decided to speak God’s commentary via ESPN. He then decided to wear God’s underwear and signed a contract with Hanes. Now we’re all excited to see where God sends him next – most likely, to Disneyland after the Eagles win the Super Bowl.

Manziel leaves treatment before 4/20; practicing apologies already

He’s asked for privacy in a matter that he considers very personal, so we respect that. But in regards to the very public persona of Johnny Manziel, we’re excited that he’s honing his apologizing skills before yet another season of impending dissapointment. He’s smart enough and spoiled enough to know the ropes of this game – which is why he put on a pretty face during his treatment. For now, Johnny and his oil boys are excited to be reunited before National Pot Smoking Day.

Inmates already preparing ‘tight end’ jokes for Hernandez

Former New England Patriots star Aaron Hernandez has been sentenced to life without the possibility of parole. Long gone are the good ole Boston days where he secured himself a $40 million contract. Instead, now, he’s locked up for life for murdering his bluntmaster.

 

 

 

Jets missing food & gear after Jameis Winston visit

He is a reigning Heisman Trophy winner, Florida delinquent and projected #1 overall pick in this year’s NFL draft. Teams all over the league are hosting workouts and conducting investigations that would make Edward Snowden proud to get a better idea as to whether or not the talented 21 year old from Alabama has what it takes to be the focal point of an NFL franchise.

What we’re hearing now from our false reports is that Winston visited the New York Jets, and now there is a new investigation that involves a great deal of stolen property, including but not limited to Mark Sanchez memorabilia and a secret basement where Rex Ryan used to stack mini refrigerators as if it were a Google data center. More to come as this story unfolds.