Monthly Archives: May 2015

“Hey FIFA, deflate deez nuts” snickers Goodell

Perched peacefully in his Manhattan office, Roger Goodell is smirking at the news regarding FIFA and the investigation of top executives. Millions of dollars worth of bribes, payoffs and secret money laundering has shook the world of soccer, in addition to the fact that future World Cup host Qatar has seen over 1,200 construction worker deaths whilst preparing stadium venues.

Meanwhile, Goodell is answering questions about Tom Brady’s balls. NFL, you’re not the worst today.

Breaking NFL news: only 2 domestic violence cases this week

There were only 2 cases of domestic violence this week in the NFL. Good work, everyone.

DoD pays $5.4 million in taxpayer money for recognition at NFL games

If you’ve witnessed the honoring and appreciation of American veterans at football games, we’ve got bad news…your team got paid a lot of money to do it. Actually, YOU paid your team a lot of money to do it. Seems like a crime, right? Over $5.4 million dollars were paid to NFL teams to allow us to “honor” them – so the question is, why are we made to think the essence of this act is public appreciation and recognition? We are made to think this is an act of genuine patriotism, and yet, behind the scenes there is a lot of money going back and forth. It’s disgusting. The NFL and the owners should immediately redistribute any payments received towards actually aiding and supporting our veterans. I don’t want my billionaire owner to pocket an extra penny from my tax money or money that can go towards a better cause for our veterans.

Here is the list of franchises who received money from the Department of Defense:

DoD Spend


Unemployed Ball Boys Strike Documentary Deal with Michael Moore

They’ve faced more scrutiny than the CEOs of bailed out banks or automotive companies. They’ve tampered with Tom Brady’s balls more than Gisele. And now, they’ll get the national support and appreciation they deserve after unofficially teaming up with Michael Moore to create the new documentary “Me and Tom’s Balls.”

The NFL is the best reality TV show ever

NFL Reality TV

The list of scandals, investigations, crimes and cover-ups rivals Cops, Judge Judy and the Kardashians. America’s favorite game has managed to enter every realm of our lives, and we love it. The sport that only has 4-5 months of game play is aired on radio talk shows and ESPN channels 24 hours a day and 365 days a year, and yet we still can’t get enough. Why is that? Are we infatuated with the sport itself? The players? The men behind the players?

Truth is, we love it all. NFL players are modern gladiators, but unlike the ancient Romans, we can sit in the Coliseum from our work desks, or at the dinner table, or even on our own porcelain throne. We can bicker to our loyal social followings about the punishments cast down by Commissioner Commodus, and lust over the rising stardom of the next Maximus. The depth at which we can dissect these characters is unlimited because of our far-reaching media probes, and conversely, because these gladiators/players/actors/brands can choose to expose themselves to the nth degree. Nobody is to blame but us, and them. It’s everybody really.

All that being said, below is just a snippet of high profile stories organically emanating from our beloved reality series, the NFL.


Murder and Armed Assault

Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez currently faces two counts of first-degree murder, three counts of armed assault with intent to murder, and single counts of assault and battery with a dangerous weapon and unlawful possession of a firearm in relation to a July 2012 shooting.

Domestic Violence

Ray Rice is the pinnacle case here, but sadly there are hundreds more. What’s interesting and requires more analysis though is the fact that arrest rates in the NFL are actually lower than the national average for similarly aged men. Perhaps this is a result of statistical methodologies or the power of the celebrity.

Sexual Assault

Big Ben Roethlisberger has been charged twice (although never found guilty), but it’s happening all over the league.

Child Abuse

The most significant case was against Adrian Peterson, who is now posing as an advocate for the cause. But the ‘this is how I grew up’ excuse is slowly fading.

Animal Abuse

We know about Michael Vick, who evidently has turned his life around after a stint in jail. But there are more names to add to this list. Ex-Raven Terrence Cody and ex-Texan Dwight Jones have also committed acts of animal cruelty.

Bounties and Intent to Injure

The Saints are most known for this scandal, but the Eagles have been guilty too. The Commissioner laid down the law on the Saints organization, so we can only imagine teams have stopped doing this, or are much better at keeping it on the DL.


Michael Sam is the name that may eventually be forgotten, as he failed to make the cut on a number of professional teams, but as airwaves inundated their listeners with this issue it raised the question: why is this an issue?


It’s sadly part of the professional athlete culture, and so it only makes sense that we gobble up these headlines.


It’s been happening for decades, and there is no shortage of infractions or guilty pleas. In an era when injury recovery time is shortening and players popcorn muscles are popping, it can only raise suspicions.


It may not be performance enhancing, but it’s on the list of banned substances. From Ricky Williams to Le’Veon Bell, superstars from all eras have been penalized for use despite the NFL’s hazy logic surrounding the substance.

Inappropriate Texts

It’s not just our country’s elected leaders who send inappropriate and illegal pictures via text. Imagine how bad the younger generation will be when they’re old enough to play in the NFL. Snapchat better up their privacy agreement.

Cheating (*in football)

The Patriots have been charged with multiple cheating infractions over the years, with the recent Deflategate spurring a suspension and other penalties for the Patriots organization. It was only a few years prior they were charged with videotaping opposing team signals in Spygate. Note, the Broncos had their own issues with a Spygate scenario.


Five Seahawks players received suspensions after violating the ban on using Adderall. Richard Sherman was included, but avoided the suspension due to a technicality. Joe Haden of the Browns has also tested positive for Adderall.


So move over Jersey Shore, move over American Idol, move over Survivor. The longest lasting and most successful reality show is and always will be the NFL.

Deflategate report: Brady’s balls are juuuuuust fine (wink)

Attorney Ted Wells has concluded an investigation into Deflategate, the scandal that accuses the New England Patriots organization of deflating footballs. In the report were a few startling findings:

  • Text messages between a part-time New England Patriots employee and an equipment assistant with talk of cash, free shoes and autographs.
  • The part-time employee — a locker room attendant responsible for 12 footballs before the AFC title game — spending 100 seconds in a bathroom after game officials had approved the balls for play.
  • Measurements taken at halftime after a team that is losing tips off the league about footballs that appear to be too soft.
  • The Patriots’ star quarterback and the equipment assistant suddenly exchanging phone calls in the days just after news of underinflated footballs blew up.

The 139 page report has been released and is being consumed by the media at an alarming rate. Don’t expect Tom to have a response though, he’s busy being super duper silly.