Monthly Archives: August 2015

Cris Carter hires idiot ‘fall guy’ to impersonate idiotic remarks on TV

Cris Carter had wise words for rookies back at the 2014 Rookie Symposium, telling them to find a ‘fall guy’ to take the blame if/when a player commits a crime. The NFL did finally remove the video after Ben Roethlisberger pleaded that he needed to save the dignity of 7 of his ‘sleezebag’ friends in jail.

Eli lands perfect ‘can you feel me now’ prank on Peyton

Peyton has lost touch in his fingertips, and while NFL analysts are massaging eachother and pretending to be spinal surgeons, the younger Eli has been scheming behind the scenes for the perfect prank call. Kudos, Eli.

Eli Manning wants to be the highest paid player in the NFL

The face of New York, and thus the face of the world, Eli Manning has declared to the NFL he wants to be the highest paid player in the league. He wants a helicopter made of gold, and he has also demanded ‘dibs’ on anyone else’s newly frozen Otter Pops. “ESPECIALLY the blue ones” Eli reiterated.

Currently, the highest paid player is Aaron Rodgers, who is frankly much more valuable than Eli. But there’s something invaluable you factor into the equation, and whatever that is, Eli is better than Rodgers, he’s better than his brother Peyton, he’s better than anyone.

 

 

 

Jets in top preseason form after punchable QB gets coldcocked in the locker room

Geno Smith won’t be able to bark out any terrible offensive plays for the Jets anymore. Assuming the surgery goes well, it will be more than 6-10 weeks before Smith returns.

We were all wondering if the Jets would return to their normal dysfunctional ways, and it didn’t take long. After drafting someone who was previously arrested for punching an off-duty police officer, the Jets are bamboozled as to how an incident like this could’ve possibly happened.

The answer is that linebacker IK Enemkpali asked Smith to reimburse him $600, and when he didn’t get it, he sucker punched Geno. Since Smith could not fly to Enemkpali’s camp after the death of a close friend, IK asked for the money back, and then decided to invoke Mafia rule, to which the Jets replied in Trump form: ‘you’re fired.’

Luckily, Ryan Fitzpatrick is filling in. The former Bill played for Offensive Coordinator Chan Gailey in Buffalo, so there is a tiny bit of hope that the Jets will have mediocre play at the quarterback position this year.

DeSean Jackson says he’s unstoppable, and speaks fluent Norwegian

DeSean Jackson was explaining the dramatic irony in Shakespeare’s Macbeth to a box of abandoned kittens when all of the sudden a fire explosion went off around the corner, so he used his impressive one-directional speed to rescue 19 blind autistic children from the burning homeless shelter before he got a call from famed aviator Chesley Sullenberger who needed advice on how to land his drone on top of a jacuzzi, at which point he was approach by the ghost of Bin Laden, so he DDT’d him onto a Chicago style pizza, thus flattening it and transforming it into normal pizza, and then proudly proclaimed ‘I don’t feel no one can guard me.’