Monthly Archives: February 2017

John Elway preparing to lose a little bit, for a change

Some men are born under a bad sign, some are forgettable, some are granted great privilege, and some are named John Elway and can turn burnt turds into golden sculptures.

The Broncos’ General Manager aims to decrease his win totals and overall successes in 2017, for fear that ‘winning doesn’t get too boring.’ He therefore is planning on drafting per Mel Kiper’s atrocious mock drafts, enforcing his team policies Jim Irsay and instilling disciplinary and calculative preparation like Rex Ryan.

Best of luck, John!

White House wants Romo as Secretary of Defense, cites “there’s nobody who’s been better for defense”

An un-named White House official had the most remarkable things to say about Tony Romo.

“Romo will be traded, or released, and he’ll end up on the very best team I promise you. So many big things have happened to Tony Romo, and it’s really a shame because he’s just a terrific person. Believe me, this guy is like the greatest quarterback of all time. From what I read he has the most touchdowns in the history of the league, believe me. People are talking about it and it is a bigly, bigly deal.”

It is difficult to know how which WH source provided this quote, or how much power the anonymous source actually has, but Romo fans worldwide are hopeful that he can leverage these spectacular words into a winning season next year.