After win, Peyton says: ‘it was like a dream…like, literally I think I’m sleep-walking’

Peyton Manning is Old

“Ole noodle arm is hanging in there” says Denver Broncos coach Gary Kubiak.

Such is the mentality of the Broncos faithful. Each game is a breathless struggle in between wobbly 15 yard pass attempts and pitiful movements within the pocket. With each sack, there is a collective clenching of teeth, followed by the stressful possibility that we could finally be witnessing Peyton’s last play as a player. But there is an obvious secret weapon at play here, and like most secret weapons, it smells like cheese.

Papa John’s.

Yes, the chain pizza joint is most likely the culprit behind Peyton’s stubborn endurance. After we assume that Papa John’s installed a bionic rotating shoulder joint into Peyton’s throwing shoulder, the soon-to-be 40 year old has been trucking along. And it’s no coincidence that he’s had the good pleasure of riding his defense’s coattails.

When does pizza come into the picture? Besides always, we have come across some staggering and thought provoking statistics.

According to an actual government report, pizza is consumed predominantly by white males, and on average is consumed by 1 in 8 Americans every single day. Not only is the commissioner of the NFL, Roger Goodell, as white as bleached mayonnaise, but so are “74.8% of the NFL’s league office management and a full 100% of the majority owners in the league.” Additionally, The Institute for Diversity and Ethics in Sport finds that 83% of quarterbacks are white. This isn’t rocket science folks, it’s not even some type of Alex Jones conspiracy, these are facts and documented findings. Let’s put together the pizza slices and do some math.

NFL Conspiracy

Slice 1: Peyton is white. Denver Coach Gary Kubiak is white. Executive front office members Pat Bowlen (Owner), Joe Ellis (President and CEO), Rich Slivka (Executive VP) and John Elway (VP of Operations and General Manager) are all white. Referees are usually white. NFL Commissioner and the vast majority of his cronies are white.

Slice 2: We know that 1 in 8 American’s enjoy pizza on a given night, especially white males. And we know that most referees are white. With roughly 120 referees, it’s reasonable to infer that over 15 referees are eating pizza on any given night. Since, according to the pizza industry’s #1 magazine PMQ, Papa John’s accounts for just under 6% of the pizza market, we can assume about 1 of those 15 refs is eating PJ’s every night. With 17 weeks in the regular season, that’s 119 days of consumed pizzas. And at roughly $10 for a medium pizza, that’s over $1,190 bucks each season, not including playoffs. The franchise has been around for 32 years, which adds up to a totally serious $38,080 dollars in revenue that is completely linked between pizza and the NFL. This doesn’t even account for the remaining $$533,120 of the potential market share that doesn’t currently belong to Papa J.

I don’t think any smart business owner would walk away from those revenues. No wonder they’re paying Peyton a hefty chunk of his $12 million dollar endorsement income.  At this point it’s only reasonable to suspect that Papa John’s has too much to risk to not interfere with the outcomes of NFL operations. We’re talking about possibly paying off refs, brokering shady trade deals, faking concussions – anything to add to the stability of Denver’s defense so that Peyton can limp along and ride his way to victory and ensure just a few more pizza commercials.

Frito Chili Pizza Papa Johns and Peyton Manning

If you’re lucky enough to actually live in the Mile High City, that’s all good news. And you get more. Not only can you root for a sports franchise that has been meticulously and strategically assembled by the same folks that brought you the Fritos Chili Pizza (shown above), but you get to opportunity to experience, perhaps even taste, the blood and forehead sweat of Hall-of-Famer Peyton Manning. Manning is an official Papa John’s franchisee, and since 2012 has owned and operated over two dozen pizza joints around Denver. Think about that next time you order extra pepperonis, Colorado.  

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