Goodell enacts “Don’t play with fireworks” rule

Both Jason Pierre-Paul and CJ Wilson should add ‘unemployed’ and ‘less than 10 fingers’ to their current status. Over a bizarre July 4th weekend, one that saw two separate players sustain hand injuries from fireworks, Goodell has decided to implement the ‘Don’t play with fireworks’ rule before every NFL game, To remember this important rule, they’re planning on torching 6,000 pounds of dynamite and entertaining fire displays during the pregame coin-flip.

Unfortunately for the two players, they have no legal grounds for keeping their jobs. Per paragraph 3 of the standard contract, “Player therefore agrees that Club will have the right, in addition to any other right which Club may possess, to enjoin Player by appropriate proceedings from … engaging in any activity other than football which may involve a significant risk of personal injury.” This means the players can be waitlisted with no pay, until the team finally decides to release them.

Prediction: Jason Pierre-Paul wins an ESPY in 2016 or 2017 as the first amputee to play professional football.

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