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John Elway preparing to lose a little bit, for a change

Some men are born under a bad sign, some are forgettable, some are granted great privilege, and some are named John Elway and can turn burnt turds into golden sculptures.

The Broncos’ General Manager aims to decrease his win totals and overall successes in 2017, for fear that ‘winning doesn’t get too boring.’ He therefore is planning on drafting per Mel Kiper’s atrocious mock drafts, enforcing his team policies Jim Irsay and instilling disciplinary and calculative preparation like Rex Ryan.

Best of luck, John!

White House wants Romo as Secretary of Defense, cites “there’s nobody who’s been better for defense”

An un-named White House official had the most remarkable things to say about Tony Romo.

“Romo will be traded, or released, and he’ll end up on the very best team I promise you. So many big things have happened to Tony Romo, and it’s really a shame because he’s just a terrific person. Believe me, this guy is like the greatest quarterback of all time. From what I read he has the most touchdowns in the history of the league, believe me. People are talking about it and it is a bigly, bigly deal.”

It is difficult to know how which WH source provided this quote, or how much power the anonymous source actually has, but Romo fans worldwide are hopeful that he can leverage these spectacular words into a winning season next year.

Conspiracy: NFL encouraging broken leg injuries, ties to wheelchair distributors

It’s no secret the NFL is the most American and evil organization in recent modern professional American football sports history. The plethora of scandals and front-page news is dwarfed only by the ultra-plethora of back-office and behind-the-scenes dealings that 99% of viewers never knew existed.

Ever wonder why we keep seeing broken legs this season? Derek Carr, Marcus Mariota, Tyler Lockett, etc. Sacko sources have confirmed for us that the NFL’s commissioner, Roger Goodell, has ties to a number of prominent business leaders in the wheelchair manufacturing industry. And it makes perfect sense if you dig a little deeper into the facts. Consider this:

  • Wheelchairtravel.org ranked the 5 most disability-friendly cities in America. Guess how many of these have NFL franchises? Guess 5? Well, you’re wrong. It’s 4. But the lone city on the list that is not currently an NFL franchise is non other than Las Vegas, which has been gathering media attention with regards to their desire for an NFL franchise. Coincidence? We think not. Don’t be surprised if Vegas gets a team soon.
  • 49 of 50 Super Bowl winners are from cities on the Top 100 Fattest Cities list according to WalletHub. These cities presumably require the highest percentage of wheelchairs per capita.
  • The American Disabilities Act (ADA) requires all NFL stadiums to be wheelchair accessible. What if a stadium isn’t? Just ask the San Diego chargers, who have been paying legal settlement fees for over a decade. And when the NFL decides to move a franchise from a healthy city like San Diego, guess where it’s going – Las Vegas. See the dots connecting?
  • The majority of the NFL’s major sponsors are direct contributors to America’s obesity issue, which leads to….you guessed it, higher demand for wheelchairs. Anheuser-Busch, Papa John’s, Mars Candy, Frito-Lay, McDonalds, etc. The list is large, just like their consumers.

If this doesn’t sway your opinion on the largest and most secretive conspiracy organization in the world, then wake up sheeple!

Sources below to confirm everything above as absolute fact.

Top 5 Most Disability-Friendly Cities 

100 Fattest Cities

San Diego Chargers getting screwed for being non-compliant with ADA

List of Largest NFL Sponsors

69% of Christians say Tebow is first ballot Hall of Fame

The NFL’s most over-achieving quarterback has decided that his string of luck and God-given ability will pull an MJ and switch sports. In a Sacko Survey of 100 adult Christians, the results were as expected when we asked about the legacy of Tim Tebow’s NFL career.

tebow1

Tebow HOF

Blah Blah Blah Blah The Browns Suck Still

The Browns Suck

Nothing new to add here, so may as well post the same analysis as last year: the Browns suck! Really bad. A wise man once said ‘Luck Is What Happens When Preparation Meets Opportunity…and when lackadaisical preparation meets a shitstorm of splattering opportunities, you get the 10am coverage of any Browns game.”  

Elway nicknames Bronco’s quarterbacks “Heads” and “Tails”

Elway Quarterback Controversy

GM John Elway and Coach Gary Kubiak can’t escape the questioning surrounding their quarterback situation. Mark ‘There’s Nobody Else Available’ Sanchez appears to be the top choice, with Trevor Siemian riding Sanchez’ ass everyday in practice. Two asses back is Paxton Lynch, the drafted scapegoat that will be used to sequester the complaints from the Denver fan base on why this year sucks sucks so bad (“rebuilding”).