Category Archives: Draft

John Elway preparing to lose a little bit, for a change

Some men are born under a bad sign, some are forgettable, some are granted great privilege, and some are named John Elway and can turn burnt turds into golden sculptures.

The Broncos’ General Manager aims to decrease his win totals and overall successes in 2017, for fear that ‘winning doesn’t get too boring.’ He therefore is planning on drafting per Mel Kiper’s atrocious mock drafts, enforcing his team policies Jim Irsay and instilling disciplinary and calculative preparation like Rex Ryan.

Best of luck, John!

Elway nicknames Bronco’s quarterbacks “Heads” and “Tails”

Elway Quarterback Controversy

GM John Elway and Coach Gary Kubiak can’t escape the questioning surrounding their quarterback situation. Mark ‘There’s Nobody Else Available’ Sanchez appears to be the top choice, with Trevor Siemian riding Sanchez’ ass everyday in practice. Two asses back is Paxton Lynch, the drafted scapegoat that will be used to sequester the complaints from the Denver fan base on why this year sucks sucks so bad (“rebuilding”). 

Eli Manning pissed he’s not the only Eli in New York anymore

With the 10th overall pick, the New York Giants selected Eli Apple to add value to their diminished group of corners. After conducting just one interview with the Giants, Eli was legitimately surprised by the pick and even explained that “it was kind of crazy to see my name up on the screen at No. 10.” He’s not the only person in New York who was surprised. He’s not even the only ‘Eli’ in New York that was surprised. 

How to throw the best fantasy football draft party ever…always

The 3 essential tips for throwing the perfect fantasy football draft party. Nevermind the specific recipes for the best 7 layer dip or guacamole or the step-by-step guide on brewing your own beer. Below are the principles that can apply to any league and any situation, and will persist over time.

3 Principals for How to Throw A Great Fantasy Football Draft Party

1. Create an atmosphere, with or without distraction. The privacy of one’s home is about as American as it can get. Control your surroundings to provide the perfect atmosphere for your friends-soon-to-be-enemies. Allow yourself the freedom to indulge in any range of activities, uninhibited by strangers or laws of the common land. But whatever atmosphere you do create, add some type of distinguishing theme or feature to memorialize your fantasy football draft party. The alternative is venturing out into the world, be it at a bar or restaurant, or a Dave n Busters. Stake the perimeter of your draft location and let the chaos begin. Focus will be your primary challenge, so do all you can to steer your co-drafters off course – “Hey, that chick looks like Johnny Manziel…if I were you, I’d use that 3rd round pick to snag him before someone else does.”

2. Consume excessive amounts of anything. The obvious frontrunner here is beer, and it’s well deserved because most people can revolve harmoniously around a 24 pack of craft beer. Others may choose buffalo wings with spices so strong that your septic tank will start to reak of Cayenne pepper and Sriracha. Others may split a spliff of greens. But whatever it is, indulge heavily. This will create an ominous flavor to your fantasy football draft party, an X factor, and even a determining mechanism by which to weed out the weak and let the enduring prevail.

3. Establish tradition. The most important aspect of your league does not lie in the participants, nor the platform, but in the traditions that pass through time. You have joined arms with a tribe of comrades, and over the years you will alternate allies and enemies, but the essence of the league will preserve. Whether it’s your fantasy trophy that lasts, seating arrangements or the belligerent belting of the National Anthem before kickoff, tradition is king.

Fantasy Football Lombardi Trophy

Follow these principles and you’re sure to embark on a journey you won’t regret.

To find our reviews of the best draft boards, click here.

 

 

The NFL is the best reality TV show ever

NFL Reality TV

The list of scandals, investigations, crimes and cover-ups rivals Cops, Judge Judy and the Kardashians. America’s favorite game has managed to enter every realm of our lives, and we love it. The sport that only has 4-5 months of game play is aired on radio talk shows and ESPN channels 24 hours a day and 365 days a year, and yet we still can’t get enough. Why is that? Are we infatuated with the sport itself? The players? The men behind the players?

Truth is, we love it all. NFL players are modern gladiators, but unlike the ancient Romans, we can sit in the Coliseum from our work desks, or at the dinner table, or even on our own porcelain throne. We can bicker to our loyal social followings about the punishments cast down by Commissioner Commodus, and lust over the rising stardom of the next Maximus. The depth at which we can dissect these characters is unlimited because of our far-reaching media probes, and conversely, because these gladiators/players/actors/brands can choose to expose themselves to the nth degree. Nobody is to blame but us, and them. It’s everybody really.

All that being said, below is just a snippet of high profile stories organically emanating from our beloved reality series, the NFL.

 

Murder and Armed Assault

Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez currently faces two counts of first-degree murder, three counts of armed assault with intent to murder, and single counts of assault and battery with a dangerous weapon and unlawful possession of a firearm in relation to a July 2012 shooting.

Domestic Violence

Ray Rice is the pinnacle case here, but sadly there are hundreds more. What’s interesting and requires more analysis though is the fact that arrest rates in the NFL are actually lower than the national average for similarly aged men. Perhaps this is a result of statistical methodologies or the power of the celebrity.

Sexual Assault

Big Ben Roethlisberger has been charged twice (although never found guilty), but it’s happening all over the league.

Child Abuse

The most significant case was against Adrian Peterson, who is now posing as an advocate for the cause. But the ‘this is how I grew up’ excuse is slowly fading.

Animal Abuse

We know about Michael Vick, who evidently has turned his life around after a stint in jail. But there are more names to add to this list. Ex-Raven Terrence Cody and ex-Texan Dwight Jones have also committed acts of animal cruelty.

Bounties and Intent to Injure

The Saints are most known for this scandal, but the Eagles have been guilty too. The Commissioner laid down the law on the Saints organization, so we can only imagine teams have stopped doing this, or are much better at keeping it on the DL.

Homophobia

Michael Sam is the name that may eventually be forgotten, as he failed to make the cut on a number of professional teams, but as airwaves inundated their listeners with this issue it raised the question: why is this an issue?

Adultery

It’s sadly part of the professional athlete culture, and so it only makes sense that we gobble up these headlines.

Steroids

It’s been happening for decades, and there is no shortage of infractions or guilty pleas. In an era when injury recovery time is shortening and players popcorn muscles are popping, it can only raise suspicions.

Marijuana

It may not be performance enhancing, but it’s on the list of banned substances. From Ricky Williams to Le’Veon Bell, superstars from all eras have been penalized for use despite the NFL’s hazy logic surrounding the substance.

Inappropriate Texts

It’s not just our country’s elected leaders who send inappropriate and illegal pictures via text. Imagine how bad the younger generation will be when they’re old enough to play in the NFL. Snapchat better up their privacy agreement.

Cheating (*in football)

The Patriots have been charged with multiple cheating infractions over the years, with the recent Deflategate spurring a suspension and other penalties for the Patriots organization. It was only a few years prior they were charged with videotaping opposing team signals in Spygate. Note, the Broncos had their own issues with a Spygate scenario.

Adderol

Five Seahawks players received suspensions after violating the ban on using Adderall. Richard Sherman was included, but avoided the suspension due to a technicality. Joe Haden of the Browns has also tested positive for Adderall.

 

So move over Jersey Shore, move over American Idol, move over Survivor. The longest lasting and most successful reality show is and always will be the NFL.

Nothing exciting happens at draft; nothing at all

Winston did in fact go #1, Chip Kelly couldn’t trade up for Mariota, the Raiders will squander another top tier talent and the Jets beefed up their defensive line again. The only sneaky pick was Shane Ray going to the Broncos, which affirms our conspiracies that John Elway snuck a small bag of weed in his glove compartment before alerting authorities. As a result, the star defensive end from Missouri dropped in the draft so that the shockingly desperate Denver Broncos could pick up another star.