Category Archives: K

Blair Walsh’s mom in utter disbelief after kick misses wide left

The final moments of the 2015 NFC Wildcard playoff round between the Seattle Seahawks and the Minnesota Vikings are so epic, we figured it’s best to simply transcribe the final moments:

5 seconds to go…

Vikings trailing the Seahawks by 1…

This will WIN the game for Minnesota…

Here’s the snap…

Jeff Locke holds…

The kick…

And it’s WIDE!

Oh no, its NO GOOD!

Blair Walsh blew a 27 yard field goal!!!

I don’t believe it!

The Vikings lose! The Vikings lose! The Vikings lose! The Vikings lose!

The NFL is the best reality TV show ever

NFL Reality TV

The list of scandals, investigations, crimes and cover-ups rivals Cops, Judge Judy and the Kardashians. America’s favorite game has managed to enter every realm of our lives, and we love it. The sport that only has 4-5 months of game play is aired on radio talk shows and ESPN channels 24 hours a day and 365 days a year, and yet we still can’t get enough. Why is that? Are we infatuated with the sport itself? The players? The men behind the players?

Truth is, we love it all. NFL players are modern gladiators, but unlike the ancient Romans, we can sit in the Coliseum from our work desks, or at the dinner table, or even on our own porcelain throne. We can bicker to our loyal social followings about the punishments cast down by Commissioner Commodus, and lust over the rising stardom of the next Maximus. The depth at which we can dissect these characters is unlimited because of our far-reaching media probes, and conversely, because these gladiators/players/actors/brands can choose to expose themselves to the nth degree. Nobody is to blame but us, and them. It’s everybody really.

All that being said, below is just a snippet of high profile stories organically emanating from our beloved reality series, the NFL.

 

Murder and Armed Assault

Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez currently faces two counts of first-degree murder, three counts of armed assault with intent to murder, and single counts of assault and battery with a dangerous weapon and unlawful possession of a firearm in relation to a July 2012 shooting.

Domestic Violence

Ray Rice is the pinnacle case here, but sadly there are hundreds more. What’s interesting and requires more analysis though is the fact that arrest rates in the NFL are actually lower than the national average for similarly aged men. Perhaps this is a result of statistical methodologies or the power of the celebrity.

Sexual Assault

Big Ben Roethlisberger has been charged twice (although never found guilty), but it’s happening all over the league.

Child Abuse

The most significant case was against Adrian Peterson, who is now posing as an advocate for the cause. But the ‘this is how I grew up’ excuse is slowly fading.

Animal Abuse

We know about Michael Vick, who evidently has turned his life around after a stint in jail. But there are more names to add to this list. Ex-Raven Terrence Cody and ex-Texan Dwight Jones have also committed acts of animal cruelty.

Bounties and Intent to Injure

The Saints are most known for this scandal, but the Eagles have been guilty too. The Commissioner laid down the law on the Saints organization, so we can only imagine teams have stopped doing this, or are much better at keeping it on the DL.

Homophobia

Michael Sam is the name that may eventually be forgotten, as he failed to make the cut on a number of professional teams, but as airwaves inundated their listeners with this issue it raised the question: why is this an issue?

Adultery

It’s sadly part of the professional athlete culture, and so it only makes sense that we gobble up these headlines.

Steroids

It’s been happening for decades, and there is no shortage of infractions or guilty pleas. In an era when injury recovery time is shortening and players popcorn muscles are popping, it can only raise suspicions.

Marijuana

It may not be performance enhancing, but it’s on the list of banned substances. From Ricky Williams to Le’Veon Bell, superstars from all eras have been penalized for use despite the NFL’s hazy logic surrounding the substance.

Inappropriate Texts

It’s not just our country’s elected leaders who send inappropriate and illegal pictures via text. Imagine how bad the younger generation will be when they’re old enough to play in the NFL. Snapchat better up their privacy agreement.

Cheating (*in football)

The Patriots have been charged with multiple cheating infractions over the years, with the recent Deflategate spurring a suspension and other penalties for the Patriots organization. It was only a few years prior they were charged with videotaping opposing team signals in Spygate. Note, the Broncos had their own issues with a Spygate scenario.

Adderol

Five Seahawks players received suspensions after violating the ban on using Adderall. Richard Sherman was included, but avoided the suspension due to a technicality. Joe Haden of the Browns has also tested positive for Adderall.

 

So move over Jersey Shore, move over American Idol, move over Survivor. The longest lasting and most successful reality show is and always will be the NFL.

Hauschka questions play-calling: “we should’ve kicked it”

“Look, all I’m saying is I had the 5th most field goals of any kicker this year. Fifth! That’s big money, baby. And in the playoffs, I kick a two!! Why isn’t the media discussing field-goal-gate?!?”

Hauschka has been notably upset throughout this year’s postseason, due in part to the Seahawks reluctance to kick. “Me and Matt Prater had the same amount of field goals,” Steven huffed, “and he actually told me he was drunk in the one and only game he played. How does he get more action than the me. They don’t call me Steven Bringin’ Down the Hauschka for nothin!”

Understandably, Marshawn Lynch, deflategate and a litany of other distractions have drawn the focus away from the Middlebury College standout. Hopefully next year, after Steven leads the Seahawks 3rd straight Super Bowl, we won’t overlook this champion.

Top 5 Sexiest NFL Kickers

 

In the wake of People’sexiest man of the year award, we decided to ask our panel of experts to create a list of the Top 5 Sexiest NFL Kickers. This list was not easy to create (except for the #1 sexiest kicker, which was fairly obvious), and included heated debate comparable to Roe v Wade or the College Football playoff rankings. Alas, your list of the NFL’s sexiest kickers:

 

hauschka

#5: Steven “Bringin’ Down The” Hauschka

Seattle Seahawks

Nothing says sexy quite like 6 feet 4 inches of consistent place-kicking. Steven Theodore Hauschka ranks second all time for career field goal percentage at 86.67%, and similarly ranks 5th on our list of the sexiest NFL kickers alive.

 

 

sexy dan carpenter

#4: Dan “Camaro Cut” Carpenter

Buffalo Bills

Crack open a Coors, blast Kid Rock’s ‘Bawitdaba’, and watch Daniel Roy Carpenter nail 84.3% of his field goals. Dan has been approached for a lead role in next season’s Sons of Anarchy, where he’ll play a painfully accurate placekicker who’s never missed a playoff field goal.

 

 

sexy randy bullock

#3: Randy “Bit Your Sister” Bullock

Houston Texans

Ladies, take cover…Randy is in town, boasting an impressive 77.41% field goal accuracy. 5 feet 9 inches and a paunchy 209 pounds of Gusher-filled precision, Houston is lucky to have this specimen of a creature, and can start molding his magnificent body for the stadium-front statue now.

 

 

sexy sebastian janikowski

#2: Sebastian “Sandwich at Halftime” Janikowski

Oakland Raiders

This man, nay…Polish Sausage, boasts a number of impressive records. Not only has he kicked a record-setting 57 yard overtime field goal, but also managed to snort 6 feet of powdered Gutter Glitter immediately after sucking down a blunt of home-grown Acapulco Gold in between the the end of regulation and overtime against the Jets. Needless to say, he also drank a vat of Belvedere mixed with blue Gatorade at halftime.

 

 

sexy billy cundiff

#1: Billy “Count Your Blessings” Cundiff

Cleveland Browns

Take it from potential murderer Ray Lewis, also a former teammate of Big Bill and one of the fiercest football players of all time: “Slick Willy’s the baddest mother f*cker in this locker room, ain’t a shadow of a doubt.” This sexy piece of man meat was not only a star quarterback at his Iowa high school, but also played point guard for the basketball team and was a state-qualifier in the high jump at 1.98 meters. Ladies, if picturing Billy “The Countdown” Cundiff in track shorts isn’t enough to wet your panties, just know that he also completed his MBA from Arizona State in 2009, and in 2012 was awarded the prestigious ‘Double D’ award from Drake University.

 

 

 

Goodell picks up Josh Gordon on fantasy waivers; now attempting to reinstate him

We hacked in NFL Commissioner’s fantasy football account to find the reason behind some his recent rulings. Turns out that his decision-making will have major implications on his own fantasy team, The Goodellfelons.  We analyzed his team, and he has top 5 talent at every position. All but one: quarterback. We will continue to investigate this story.

QB: Eli Manning, New York Giants

RB: Ray Rice, Baltimore YMCA

RB: Leveon Bell, Pittsburgh Steelers

WR: Josh Gordon. Cleveland Browns

WR: Justin Blackmon, Jacksonville Jaguars

TE: Fred Davis, Washington Redskins

FLEX: LeGarrette Blount, Pittsburgh Steelers

K: Matt Prater, Denver Broncos

DEF: San Francisco 49ers