Category Archives: QBs

John Elway preparing to lose a little bit, for a change

Some men are born under a bad sign, some are forgettable, some are granted great privilege, and some are named John Elway and can turn burnt turds into golden sculptures.

The Broncos’ General Manager aims to decrease his win totals and overall successes in 2017, for fear that ‘winning doesn’t get too boring.’ He therefore is planning on drafting per Mel Kiper’s atrocious mock drafts, enforcing his team policies Jim Irsay and instilling disciplinary and calculative preparation like Rex Ryan.

Best of luck, John!

White House wants Romo as Secretary of Defense, cites “there’s nobody who’s been better for defense”

An un-named White House official had the most remarkable things to say about Tony Romo.

“Romo will be traded, or released, and he’ll end up on the very best team I promise you. So many big things have happened to Tony Romo, and it’s really a shame because he’s just a terrific person. Believe me, this guy is like the greatest quarterback of all time. From what I read he has the most touchdowns in the history of the league, believe me. People are talking about it and it is a bigly, bigly deal.”

It is difficult to know how which WH source provided this quote, or how much power the anonymous source actually has, but Romo fans worldwide are hopeful that he can leverage these spectacular words into a winning season next year.

69% of Christians say Tebow is first ballot Hall of Fame

The NFL’s most over-achieving quarterback has decided that his string of luck and God-given ability will pull an MJ and switch sports. In a Sacko Survey of 100 adult Christians, the results were as expected when we asked about the legacy of Tim Tebow’s NFL career.


Tebow HOF

Elway nicknames Bronco’s quarterbacks “Heads” and “Tails”

Elway Quarterback Controversy

GM John Elway and Coach Gary Kubiak can’t escape the questioning surrounding their quarterback situation. Mark ‘There’s Nobody Else Available’ Sanchez appears to be the top choice, with Trevor Siemian riding Sanchez’ ass everyday in practice. Two asses back is Paxton Lynch, the drafted scapegoat that will be used to sequester the complaints from the Denver fan base on why this year sucks sucks so bad (“rebuilding”). 

Eli Manning pissed he’s not the only Eli in New York anymore

With the 10th overall pick, the New York Giants selected Eli Apple to add value to their diminished group of corners. After conducting just one interview with the Giants, Eli was legitimately surprised by the pick and even explained that “it was kind of crazy to see my name up on the screen at No. 10.” He’s not the only person in New York who was surprised. He’s not even the only ‘Eli’ in New York that was surprised. 

Peyton found behind Papa Johns surrounded by beer in boat

Peyton Papa Johns Beer

It comes as no surprise to anybody that Peyton (and likely brother Eli, who jumped out of frame before we snapped the above photo) drank 30+ beers each and had one helluva sleepover party. Archie, father of both Peyton and Eli, only allows the boys to stay up past 11pm if they win a Super Bowl. “Obviously the boys are ecstatic,” said the eldest Manning, right before scolding both boys for snatching Otter Pops out of the family freezer.