Category Archives: TEs

Gronk’s book sets literary record for number of exclamation points

While Patriots players aren’t winning Super Bowls or cheating, they’re writing books. In his literary debut, tight end Rob Gronkowski co-wrote It’s Good to be Gronk. And it is exactly as you’d expect it – sonnet style compositions in iambic pentameter, stuffed with metaphoric analogy and ironic prose. He basically takes a fatty dump on the attempts of feeble foes like Whitman or Rowling. It’s as if Shakespeare was thrown into Walden’s pond and given a wheel-barrow of cocaine and a type-writer.

The NFL is the best reality TV show ever

NFL Reality TV

The list of scandals, investigations, crimes and cover-ups rivals Cops, Judge Judy and the Kardashians. America’s favorite game has managed to enter every realm of our lives, and we love it. The sport that only has 4-5 months of game play is aired on radio talk shows and ESPN channels 24 hours a day and 365 days a year, and yet we still can’t get enough. Why is that? Are we infatuated with the sport itself? The players? The men behind the players?

Truth is, we love it all. NFL players are modern gladiators, but unlike the ancient Romans, we can sit in the Coliseum from our work desks, or at the dinner table, or even on our own porcelain throne. We can bicker to our loyal social followings about the punishments cast down by Commissioner Commodus, and lust over the rising stardom of the next Maximus. The depth at which we can dissect these characters is unlimited because of our far-reaching media probes, and conversely, because these gladiators/players/actors/brands can choose to expose themselves to the nth degree. Nobody is to blame but us, and them. It’s everybody really.

All that being said, below is just a snippet of high profile stories organically emanating from our beloved reality series, the NFL.

 

Murder and Armed Assault

Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez currently faces two counts of first-degree murder, three counts of armed assault with intent to murder, and single counts of assault and battery with a dangerous weapon and unlawful possession of a firearm in relation to a July 2012 shooting.

Domestic Violence

Ray Rice is the pinnacle case here, but sadly there are hundreds more. What’s interesting and requires more analysis though is the fact that arrest rates in the NFL are actually lower than the national average for similarly aged men. Perhaps this is a result of statistical methodologies or the power of the celebrity.

Sexual Assault

Big Ben Roethlisberger has been charged twice (although never found guilty), but it’s happening all over the league.

Child Abuse

The most significant case was against Adrian Peterson, who is now posing as an advocate for the cause. But the ‘this is how I grew up’ excuse is slowly fading.

Animal Abuse

We know about Michael Vick, who evidently has turned his life around after a stint in jail. But there are more names to add to this list. Ex-Raven Terrence Cody and ex-Texan Dwight Jones have also committed acts of animal cruelty.

Bounties and Intent to Injure

The Saints are most known for this scandal, but the Eagles have been guilty too. The Commissioner laid down the law on the Saints organization, so we can only imagine teams have stopped doing this, or are much better at keeping it on the DL.

Homophobia

Michael Sam is the name that may eventually be forgotten, as he failed to make the cut on a number of professional teams, but as airwaves inundated their listeners with this issue it raised the question: why is this an issue?

Adultery

It’s sadly part of the professional athlete culture, and so it only makes sense that we gobble up these headlines.

Steroids

It’s been happening for decades, and there is no shortage of infractions or guilty pleas. In an era when injury recovery time is shortening and players popcorn muscles are popping, it can only raise suspicions.

Marijuana

It may not be performance enhancing, but it’s on the list of banned substances. From Ricky Williams to Le’Veon Bell, superstars from all eras have been penalized for use despite the NFL’s hazy logic surrounding the substance.

Inappropriate Texts

It’s not just our country’s elected leaders who send inappropriate and illegal pictures via text. Imagine how bad the younger generation will be when they’re old enough to play in the NFL. Snapchat better up their privacy agreement.

Cheating (*in football)

The Patriots have been charged with multiple cheating infractions over the years, with the recent Deflategate spurring a suspension and other penalties for the Patriots organization. It was only a few years prior they were charged with videotaping opposing team signals in Spygate. Note, the Broncos had their own issues with a Spygate scenario.

Adderol

Five Seahawks players received suspensions after violating the ban on using Adderall. Richard Sherman was included, but avoided the suspension due to a technicality. Joe Haden of the Browns has also tested positive for Adderall.

 

So move over Jersey Shore, move over American Idol, move over Survivor. The longest lasting and most successful reality show is and always will be the NFL.

Inmates already preparing ‘tight end’ jokes for Hernandez

Former New England Patriots star Aaron Hernandez has been sentenced to life without the possibility of parole. Long gone are the good ole Boston days where he secured himself a $40 million contract. Instead, now, he’s locked up for life for murdering his bluntmaster.

 

 

 

“Covering up murder way easier than Pat’s playbook” scoffs Hernandez

He strutted into the courtroom dressed to the nines, and after blowing a kiss to his fiancee and flashing the double guns to his family members in the seats behind him, former New England Patriots star Aaron Hernandez sat down with a smile on his face to watch his murder trial proceed.

His lawyer leaned in to ask him how he’s handling the difficulties of facing charges for gun possession and murder, the former tight end raised his eyebrows and said “Do you know how to scary Coach Billy is? Our playbook is over 200 pages long and they expect us to learn it all. Covering up this murder charge is nothing compared to film sessions with Tommy and Billy.”

Top Trades of the 2015 Offseason

There was no shortage of blockbuster trades this offseason. In what’s usually known as ‘is baseball really starting again?’ season, the NFL took the media headlines after a series of trades, drops and acquisitions. Below is a snapshot of what’s happened so far and why.

  1. Jimmy Graham to the Seahawks: Coach Pete Carroll announced ‘we need someone to counter-balance what Marshawn brings…we need a wimpy, whiny, red-headed red zone target that we can count on when we’re down 4 in the 4th quarter. It’s not rocket science, we want Jimmy.”
  2. Brandon Marshall to the Jets: If you combine this move with the Jet’s desire to deal for Johnny Manziel, there’s a good chance for success here.
  3. Bradford to be traded for Foles: Both coaches agree that the number 1 priority for acquiring a new sub-par quarterback is to consider their likeness to Napoleon Dynamite. A win-win for everyone here. Furthermore, Chip Kelly told our reporters that he’s also planning on burning his vinyl collection, divorcing his wife and drop-kicking his Shar-Pei before the season starts.
  4. Torrey Smith to the 49ers: Colin Kaepernick and team have been determined to squander another premier athlete’s talents in Silicon Valley. Welcome to the bay, Torrey.
  5. Colts acquire Frank Gore: The Indianapolis Colts will now rely on the sure-handed and hard-working Frank Gore instead of Trent Richardson. According to sources, Trent will be picked up by Indianapolis’ incumbent kickball municipal champions, Brews on First, in exchange for 6 pitchers of pregame PBR and an order of salted pretzels.
  6. Chiefs release Dwayne Bowe: This is a real shocker. $10.75 million is well worth the sticker price on this production machine. They’ll surely regret this next year.
  7. Bears fail to trade Jay Cutler for retired Dan Marino: Approached on the topic of this Bear’s loyalty, Jay dug into his jean pocket, struck a match across his pant leg and proceeded to smoke a cigarette for 8 minutes in front of the cameras, not saying a word. He ashed into Matt Forte’s cleats and then casually sauntered out of the locker room.

Cardinals practice squad happy about performance against Broncos

In the 41-20 route of the Arizona Cardinals, Bronco’s receiver Demaryius Thomas took a dump on the secondary on his way to 226 yards and two touchdowns.  Julius Thomas chop-blocked his way to two touchdowns, and Peyton Manning is now just 5 TD’s, (or 4 more quarters against the Cardinals) from surpassing self-proclaimed hero Brett Favre for career passing touchdowns.