Tag Archives: dwayne bowe

Top Trades of the 2015 Offseason

There was no shortage of blockbuster trades this offseason. In what’s usually known as ‘is baseball really starting again?’ season, the NFL took the media headlines after a series of trades, drops and acquisitions. Below is a snapshot of what’s happened so far and why.

  1. Jimmy Graham to the Seahawks: Coach Pete Carroll announced ‘we need someone to counter-balance what Marshawn brings…we need a wimpy, whiny, red-headed red zone target that we can count on when we’re down 4 in the 4th quarter. It’s not rocket science, we want Jimmy.”
  2. Brandon Marshall to the Jets: If you combine this move with the Jet’s desire to deal for Johnny Manziel, there’s a good chance for success here.
  3. Bradford to be traded for Foles: Both coaches agree that the number 1 priority for acquiring a new sub-par quarterback is to consider their likeness to Napoleon Dynamite. A win-win for everyone here. Furthermore, Chip Kelly told our reporters that he’s also planning on burning his vinyl collection, divorcing his wife and drop-kicking his Shar-Pei before the season starts.
  4. Torrey Smith to the 49ers: Colin Kaepernick and team have been determined to squander another premier athlete’s talents in Silicon Valley. Welcome to the bay, Torrey.
  5. Colts acquire Frank Gore: The Indianapolis Colts will now rely on the sure-handed and hard-working Frank Gore instead of Trent Richardson. According to sources, Trent will be picked up by Indianapolis’ incumbent kickball municipal champions, Brews on First, in exchange for 6 pitchers of pregame PBR and an order of salted pretzels.
  6. Chiefs release Dwayne Bowe: This is a real shocker. $10.75 million is well worth the sticker price on this production machine. They’ll surely regret this next year.
  7. Bears fail to trade Jay Cutler for retired Dan Marino: Approached on the topic of this Bear’s loyalty, Jay dug into his jean pocket, struck a match across his pant leg and proceeded to smoke a cigarette for 8 minutes in front of the cameras, not saying a word. He ashed into Matt Forte’s cleats and then casually sauntered out of the locker room.

Disapointed Chiefs trying to acquire a decent wide receiver, talking to JJ Watt

 

It’s only happened 3 times in league history, and the Chiefs looked poised to become number 4 – going an entire NFL season without a receiving touchdown from, of all positions, a wide receiver. Andy Reid, who met us at a Chick-fil-A prior to Sunday’s loss to the Broncos, was caught off guard with our inquisition: “to be honest with you”…<Andy took several bites of his sandwich before finishing his thought>…”I forgot about the position entirely. We got, who? Dwayne Bowe? Has he been suspended yet? Ya, he’s a receiver, maybe he’ll get one soon. Or who’s that actor guy who plays for Houston? KK Twatt or something? He seems good. Maybe we’ll get him.” Andy then ate the rest of his sandwich and did not speak to us for the duration of our meeting.