Tag Archives: patriots

Pats release Spikes; fingers point to Brady for flat tires

Just a month into his newest tenure with the New England Patriots, linebacker Brandon Spikes has been released after authorities found his abandoned car on a highway road at 3:30am Sunday. There was damage to the front end, indicating that his 2011 Mercedes Maybach possibly hit a deer or a Marshawn Lynch. Further speculation concludes that Tom Brady was likely behind the deflation of Spikes’ tires, which caused him to slowly lose control of the vehicle.

“Covering up murder way easier than Pat’s playbook” scoffs Hernandez

He strutted into the courtroom dressed to the nines, and after blowing a kiss to his fiancee and flashing the double guns to his family members in the seats behind him, former New England Patriots star Aaron Hernandez sat down with a smile on his face to watch his murder trial proceed.

His lawyer leaned in to ask him how he’s handling the difficulties of facing charges for gun possession and murder, the former tight end raised his eyebrows and said “Do you know how to scary Coach Billy is? Our playbook is over 200 pages long and they expect us to learn it all. Covering up this murder charge is nothing compared to film sessions with Tommy and Billy.”

Patriots drop Wilfork and Comcast Cable “cuz they didn’t cost this much in 2005”

Robert Kraft and the Pats made some bold decisions in recent weeks, not the least of which is the decision to drop a man who is not only Tom Brady’s personal person pillow, but their foundation on the defensive line and a locker room favorite: Vince Wilfork. This comes as a surprise to many on the Patriots and around the league, so we asked Robby K and Billy Bel for an explanation: “goddam prices keep going up, just like Comcast. We’re droppin em both.”

Top 5 Patriots Quarterbacks since 2005


Love em or hate em, the Patriots are a dynasty. And despite Belichik’s adorable smile and Shane Vereen’s ferocious running style, the quarterback position has been the glue of the organization. We thought it worth your while to recap the last 10 years of Patriots quarterbacks, ranked by our team of professionals.


5. Matt Cassel

Matt Cassel

Cassel is the quintessential come from behind success story. Third on the depth chart at one point (behind all timer Doug Flutie), he scored some valuable playing time during a 41-17 loss to the Chargers in 2005. His stats were impressive, going 2-for-4 for 15 yards, including a 3rd completion that won’t hit the stat sheet. That’s because it was to San Diego Charger Donnie Edwards, who ended up lateraling the ball to Clinton Hart, who then ran it in for a 40 yard touchdown. Mallet never left the spotlight after that remarkable play. That’s why he’s the 5th greatest Pat QB of the last 10 years.


4. Jonathan Crompton

Jonathan Crompton

2011 was a tough year for the Patriots, as they had to waive Crompton and release him to the rest of the league. The Pats wouldn’t win another Super Bowl for 3 years because of this, but despite the tragic breakup, JC found his niche in Canada. Crompton lead the Montreal Alouettes to an Eastern Semi-final victory over the BC Lions, but was unable to overcome the divisional champion Hamilton Tiger-Cats in the Eastern Final. Worry not, Crompton fans, he’ll be back. He always is.


3. Tom Brady

Sad Tom

Most quarterbacks in the NFL enjoy fame, fortune, and international models as wives. But Tom, poor poor Tom, just hasn’t quite had the luck. Overshadowed by megastars like former running back BenJarvus Green-Ellis or tight end Aaron Hernandez, Tom hasn’t had the opportunity to really make a name for himself. But you know what, he earns that roster spot every year. And for that, he deserves a spot on this list. The third best Patriot quarterback since 2005. Best of luck to you, Tom. We truly mean that.


2. Ryan Mallet

Ryan Mallet

There’s too much history to decipher with Mallet and the Patriots. He was taken, nay, stolen in the 3rd round by the Patriots in 2011. Only Drew Bledsoe, aka the greatest Patriot of all time, was taken with a higher pick. Additionally, the Pats traded away Randy Moss for Mallet’s pick because, well, he’s worth it. Just a truly magnificent story.


1. Brian Hoyer

Brian Hoyer

We’re all aware of the successes of Brian Hoyer. After going undrafted, he gets picked up by the Pats, their fourth string quarterback. Then he shocks the nation in preseason, going 29-44 for 354 and a tug (98.1 passer rating). Fast forward to the real season. All other Pats quarterbacks have been waived to make way for Hoyer.

We’ve heard this story a thousand times by now but it hasn’t gotten old:

It’s the fourth quarter, and Belichik has finally come to his senses by replacing Brady with Hoyer. On his first ever professional drive, Hoyer goes 5 for 5. He racks up 35 yards. And the best part – he gave it a happy ending with a 1 yard rushing tug. How happy was that ending for Hoyer? It not only catapulted the career of the future hall of famer, but it set the franchise record for points scored.

Fast forward to current day. Sadly, Hoyer is in the shadow of Johnny Manziel, the single greatest quarterback in the history of the NFL. Johnny gets the rings, he gets the MVPs, he gets the bombshell wife. It’s too bad, because the Pats haven’t had many good QB’s. It’s hard to see Hoyer as a backup to anyone.