Top 5 Sexiest NFL Kickers

 

In the wake of People’sexiest man of the year award, we decided to ask our panel of experts to create a list of the Top 5 Sexiest NFL Kickers. This list was not easy to create (except for the #1 sexiest kicker, which was fairly obvious), and included heated debate comparable to Roe v Wade or the College Football playoff rankings. Alas, your list of the NFL’s sexiest kickers:

 

hauschka

#5: Steven “Bringin’ Down The” Hauschka

Seattle Seahawks

Nothing says sexy quite like 6 feet 4 inches of consistent place-kicking. Steven Theodore Hauschka ranks second all time for career field goal percentage at 86.67%, and similarly ranks 5th on our list of the sexiest NFL kickers alive.

 

 

sexy dan carpenter

#4: Dan “Camaro Cut” Carpenter

Buffalo Bills

Crack open a Coors, blast Kid Rock’s ‘Bawitdaba’, and watch Daniel Roy Carpenter nail 84.3% of his field goals. Dan has been approached for a lead role in next season’s Sons of Anarchy, where he’ll play a painfully accurate placekicker who’s never missed a playoff field goal.

 

 

sexy randy bullock

#3: Randy “Bit Your Sister” Bullock

Houston Texans

Ladies, take cover…Randy is in town, boasting an impressive 77.41% field goal accuracy. 5 feet 9 inches and a paunchy 209 pounds of Gusher-filled precision, Houston is lucky to have this specimen of a creature, and can start molding his magnificent body for the stadium-front statue now.

 

 

sexy sebastian janikowski

#2: Sebastian “Sandwich at Halftime” Janikowski

Oakland Raiders

This man, nay…Polish Sausage, boasts a number of impressive records. Not only has he kicked a record-setting 57 yard overtime field goal, but also managed to snort 6 feet of powdered Gutter Glitter immediately after sucking down a blunt of home-grown Acapulco Gold in between the the end of regulation and overtime against the Jets. Needless to say, he also drank a vat of Belvedere mixed with blue Gatorade at halftime.

 

 

sexy billy cundiff

#1: Billy “Count Your Blessings” Cundiff

Cleveland Browns

Take it from potential murderer Ray Lewis, also a former teammate of Big Bill and one of the fiercest football players of all time: “Slick Willy’s the baddest mother f*cker in this locker room, ain’t a shadow of a doubt.” This sexy piece of man meat was not only a star quarterback at his Iowa high school, but also played point guard for the basketball team and was a state-qualifier in the high jump at 1.98 meters. Ladies, if picturing Billy “The Countdown” Cundiff in track shorts isn’t enough to wet your panties, just know that he also completed his MBA from Arizona State in 2009, and in 2012 was awarded the prestigious ‘Double D’ award from Drake University.

 

 

 

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